rightsizing; aka; ch-ch-ch-changes

Hello friends! Hope all is well in your world today.

I whined wrote last month about taking control back of my life and making myself get back to work. No sooner than an hour after hitting "publish," I was hit by a metaphorical Mack truck and was as sick as I've ever been. A month later, I am still treading lightly and not feeling my best. I won't bore you with all the nasty, flu-ey details, but all this laying around has given me much time to reflect.  I already have a sensitive and introspective nature - combine this with a flair for the dramatic, you might guess how being so ill and turning 30 in the same month created the perfect brewing place for an existential dilemma that lead to some big changes being made.

My space at Adjectives Market has brought me so much joy and so much excitement - but if you've been there lately, you have seen that my space has not looked it's best. There were various (legitimate) reasons for a while - first I moved, then I got sick, then the boys got sick, then me again....with this constant excuse making, I finally decided it was time to scale back. Jeremy, the owner of Adjectives Market, knew my struggles, and was so kind and helpful as we talked about what was best for me moving forward. He offered me a smaller space that would be easier to manage, so this past weekend I moved into it. It will allow me to work at a normal pace and will leave time for real life. Initially, once the decision was made, relief washed over me. I didn't realize how overwhelmed I was, and once I knew it was coming to an end, I was (ironically) completely inspired to get back to work. I was still sick, but I was making time to paint again. Hooray!

But as I moved out of the space, a big part of me felt defeated. I don't like to admit failure, and the truth is, I couldn't hack it in the larger space. But I have to remind myself, this isn't the end. I can always move back up when I'm ready. And I need this break. I deserve to enjoy my work and my life. Getting sick right after deciding to get back to work made me realize that I was leaving no room for error, illness, flat tires or needing a new transmission. (Yep, that happened this month too. No vehicle for almost two weeks. I was beginning to get the message loud and clear. SLOW DOWN OR ELSE.)

The thing is, I don't necessarily think scaling back alone is the failure - I think the failure was in my attitude. I compared myself to others who are moving up, while I am taking a step back. I would never tell my best friend she 'failed' if she chose to devote more time to motherhood, or chose to slow down a little...so why do I tell myself that?

 Theodore Roosevelt said that "Comparison in the thief of joy."
 
 

So why am I always comparing myself to others?

"She sells out of TWO stores PLUS her Etsy store and can handle the work. Why can't I do all that?"

"She has four children and a business and is doing just fine. What am I doing wrong here?"

"She writes several blog posts weekly, makes healthy meals from her organic garden, home schools her children, keeps a clean house, recycles or repurposes everything, throws perfect parties with handmade Pinterest-y invitations and favor bags, bakes gluten-free desserts for school fundraisers, volunteers at the local homeless shelter while taking in stray animals she finds on her way home and then nurses them back to health, she always has on lipstick and her hair always looks so nice, she never has boogers on her clothes, AND is the T-Ball team Mom! .... I could never do all that! What is wrong with ME?" Aaaaaaaaack!

So why can't I do all that? Truth is, it really doesn't matter. She's her and I'm me. Our inner worlds and struggles are rarely known by others, and I think we all just do the best we can. I don't know "her" struggles, so I'm being terribly unfair to myself to compare what I perceive as her strengths against my weaknesses. (It's true, that last woman is made up, I'm just painting the picture of how I torture myself. Remember my flair for the dramatic?)


















So, for now, I will get back to my current mantra... "I'm not downsizing. I'm "rightsizing." I am doing what is right for my life. I bit off more than I could chew, and I'm making it right.

Yay for me.

Right? ;)